Apparently I Wrote This Whole Thing About the Movie Thor and Saved It in a Folder Labeled “Drafty Bullsthit [sic], Etc.” and Forgot All About It Until I Went File-Purging Last Night. So of Course it Belongs on the Internet. This is a Title.
Remember that time I went to see Thor, despite having no prior knowledge of the story beyond Vincent D’Onofrio’s starmaking turn as the auto mechanic in Adventures in Babysitting? WELL HERE’S WHAT I THOUGHT OF THE MOVIE.
From what I can gather, having seen the film all the way through to the post-credits clippymajigger, Thor is the blonde, space alien version of Encino Man. At the beginning of the movie he makes his daddy mad (what your daddy doooo?) and gets banished to Earth, where some science-folk pick him up and try to pass him off as their Human Friend who is Totally Not a Viking from Space, Seriously You Guys, We Swear. But then shit goes down, as shit always do, and some shady government guys come after him, and it is ON. Meanwhile, back in space, Thorncino Man’s smaller, darker, OBVIOUSLY ADOPTED I MEAN DUH brother Loki has hurt feelings and turns to the only means he has to express them: evil. Some other stuff happens, too, like Stringer Bell gets encased in ice for a while, but don’t worry you won’t recognize him as Stringer Bell until the end credits and it’s better that way or else you’ll be all YO STRING, WATCH YOUR BACK, which will distract you from the plot. You know what, nevermind, I wish the whole movie had been about Stringer Bell.
So while he’s on earth, Thor meets Renowned Brunettes Natalie Portman and Kat Dennings, and chooses the more famous one to kiss, even though Kat Dennings is obviously funnier and better at kissing. I’m just saying, we’ve all seen her boobs on the internet, conclusions can be drawn. I like Natalie Portman a lot because of the movie Beautiful Girls, which always made me believe that some day I could win the hearts of the grown-ass men I was in love with when I was in junior high (what up, science teachers, youth group leaders, Jeffrey at the Video Store where did you go please come back to me, etc.), but I like Kat Dennings more because she seems like a normal girl with whom I could share a couple bottles of wine and maybe she’d let me brush her hair and feel how soft her skin is OR WHATEVER.
But back to THOR, ODINSON. I don’t know who the actor is and I’m not going to look it up because who gives a Nordic shit, the point is, he looks like the He-Man action figure my older brother used to have, only bearded. Pathetically, pale bearded. You know me, internet, I’ve been lovin’ beards since way before beards were cool, but a pale blonde beard on a ginormous Viking from Space? Gag me with a magical hammer. That level of muscle on a human OR alien-god is very unappealing to me personally, but I guess I can see where other people might be into it, like for instance tiny little Natalie Portman, who can’t help herself, probably because Thor is the MC Skat Kat to her Paula Abdul.
Before I forget: Anthony Hopkins plays Thor’s dad and he phones it in so hard, at one point he even holds a hammer in front of his face like a phone. Odinfather was basically Titus with an eyepatch, all following filial tradition at the expense of his offspring. “O cruel, irreligious piety,” amiright?! I’m quoting Titus Andronicus because I’m a show-off and also I feel bad for talking about boobs and muscles so much. Anyhow nobody gets served up in a meat pie in Thor, but the bad guys DO get served, if you know what I mean, side-five over here, keep it subtle. Oh and FYI: the main bad guys live in a different space-realm or something, and they all look exactly the same, and what they look like is walking sarcomas. Pretty hott.
Spoiler alert but if you care you already know, in one scene my humorless little Hollywood boyfriend Jeremy Renner shows up as some guy with a crossbow, and he makes his patented Jeremy Renner Takes No Pleasure from Life Face, and all the ladies in my pants say haaaaaaaaay! I like Jeremy Renner A LOT, because he’s kind of short and ugly. Mostly I like him because he seems to have no sense of humor, which I just can’t understand, and to quote the famous philosopher: we want to bone what we do not understand. It’s kind of like the “relationship” between Natalie Portman: Astrophysicist and THOR: SON OF ODIN in the movie. NP:A is tiny, and T:SoO is enormous, and the only way for them to understand what it’s like to be the other is to hurl their parts at one other. Except they never actually do that in the movie because a) it’s rated PG-13 and b) seriously Thor is so enormous he will squish you like bug, girl, be carefs!!!
I don’t really remember what else happened in the movie, except for one part when everybody took a journey on Rainbow Road from MarioKart for Super Nintendo. In the better version of this adequately entertaining film, Kat Dennings and Loki meet and have a weekend to remember. In the best version of this adequately entertaining film, Thor and Loki make out WHAT, IT’S NOT WEIRD IF THEY’RE NOT ACTUALLY BROTHERS.
Don’t forget to watch through the credits, when Samuel L. Jackson is there and somebody has some cube thing and my friend Mehgan was all, “oh, that’s the Box of Power” or whatever, like I’m supposed to know what that means. In conclusion and to summarize, I had no idea what was going on during most of this film, and the only character I cared about was Kat Dennings, because she is every bicurious woman’s dream. Oh and also Jeremy Renner, who could have stuck around a lot longer, but I guess there will be another movie for that. And you can hear all about it on Reading Rainbow Road to Space.
